So I’ve been very absent from my blog recently not because I’ve wanted to be, but because life sometimes happens and travelling and new beginnings are setting into place and sometimes this kinda thing gets put on the back foot. So much has been going on recently that I’ve actually felt like I’ve started to become numb to most things. Family, etc. Like things that I know that should be bothering me, just aren’t and I’m somehow laughing about them, like I’m dismissing them even though I’m fully aware of the situations?
And I suppose it’s not only that, I find when so much goes on and there are so many changes it’s almost an automatic response to become numb because there’s too much too process all at once.
I need to have a conversation with my dad which is only making it harder for me to speak to him normally. It’s hurting to know that he’s oblivious to everything and that I can see that it’s so obvious and it’s awful to have to watch him still be that oblivious, even when it’s being spelt out right in front of him. It’s like this stubbornness is blocking all relevant information, which makes me wonder how this conversation will go.
The scariest thing about allowing or more so pushing myself to write openly about the last 2 years, hasn’t in the slightest been derived about the reaction I may or may not have received. To my surprise people have/ are reading this, which I didn’t even anticipate; it’s more so the vulnerability to it all. As mentioned this has been created to make a safe space for myself and for others If they may or may not be able to relate. Obviously the things I mention are specific to me but the feelings around them may be relatable and for that I want to say thank you to the few that have come forward privately and shown their appreciation and support, but I want you all to know this will never be an easy thing to write or talk about and every time I post something, I get so anxious and have to allow myself to leave the post up because I know it’ll help more being there than in my head.
Like many people my guards are my safety nets and recently I feel like in day to day life I have just been barricading myself behind them. I mention them a lot but with this I don’t allow myself to leave any up. I will admit there are things I have written and right now I still can’t post because I’m not ready yet but what I have been writing is completely raw, they were my exact feelings, desires and angers at the time and my body or mind would not allow me to feel anything else.
In isolation, which was my own doing, writing wasn’t something I wanted to naturally do, at the time or most of the time, when I write it becomes excruciating and I’m full on crying because I’m trying to understand why I want to be withdrawn so much, or more importantly I’m trying to understand why I feel like I’m hurting so much over nothing and why the feeling is so constant?
I have to be honest, most of the stuff I have previously written I can’t even remember writing because I was so engrossed in that exploration of my own mind and pain that you have to go throw that pain to eventually get rid of it. In a way to remind yourself that once it’s over, you won’t feel like that ever again. And that’s why I have found writing so helpful but probably the hardest thing about it has been allowing myself to embody a particular feeling that has been consuming me so much. I’d eventually have to write about a feeling because I needed to because it was taking control of me and eventually putting me in that auto-pilot, which would then allow me to cry. A burning type of cry. To write something I didn’t even know was possible to write.