I can’t look at him in the same light. A man I only saw on the highest pedestal is now only a man. Someone I relied on, a protector, my father. The truth unveiled in such clouded circumstances. This unbearable pain that constantly swings in my head swells my brain, it hurts. A small part of me wants to see him in the same way I always have, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Why at a time when everything might be looking up now for a longer time does it fall right before me. Stumbling away at 18 and now I feel like I have to question the happiness and upbringing of my childhood, questioning the mentality and trauma that has shaped me as a person now. Was it just disciplining, guidance; or was it mental cruelty. Have I got so good at hiding my own trauma that I don’t even realise I do it automatically anymore, some feelings have never escaped me, they never will. Is this why I always feel guilty doing anything wrong. Something I said, something I’ve done or even taking a joke too far. Should that naw at my insides so much or is that just a normal feeling everyone gets? I can’t even differentiate the difference between the two.
How can I leave the house knowing individuals have invested so much in the better interest for myself and not themselves for so long, how do I give them their confidence back? Slowly, like encouraging a child to finally jump in the pool on their own and start swimming again? How do I encourage them to stand up after jumping instead of leaving them to drown? Do I leave do I stay, who knows expect time.
The incident angered me, it didn’t frighten me only embarrass me into never wanting to show my face there again. It stripped me back to the core of my anxiety and paranoia that’s always followed me and my thoughts. Yet again I feel trapped in what’s inside my conscience. Driving should clear my head but it only provokes dangerous thoughts even more, it’s a fight which continues to grow for reasons now yet apparent to me. I want to prove so much to myself by wanting to be successful and find happiness along the way that it contains those bad thoughts, and mam. The woman made from the worlds strongest metal, words can’t describe the love and respect I have for her. How she has not broken from my disruption over the years.
I only wanted to answer her earlier, but I know the silence on the phone told a part of her I wasn’t myself and that other thoughts had come to light because of continuous ‘poor judgements’. I hate that I made her worry, I hate the feelings I’ve created over selfishness. Everything has been done out of pure love and that I can only thank. She is in my best interest and I want to do my best to get her back to her most confidence. I want to keep this bond which brought us even closer in a time like this.
The next day was probably slightly harder than the initial reaction. Everyone had to come to terms with what was happening, myself, mum and lastly dad. Its sad to think he came home knowing he could be losing both me and mum in the space of a day. Without fully collapsing you could see a part of him break at the final realisation.
The day had been a stressful one, trying to establish how much money mam would need and if a mortgage was possible for a fresh start. We soon came to realise it was never going to be possible without the money she’s invested in our home. Its funny how I could never have imagined leaving this place to live in another but I can already feel a resentful feeling grow deep down towards each corner of the house. After learning all that I did it feels like so many bad memories out way the good ones. So few I can remember anyway. It frustrates me that already that there is so much I can’t remember. All that I know is ill remember this.
I’d only gone out for an hour, but by the time I got home mam was crying and I knew I shouldn’t have left her on her own.
So I haven’t written in about 2/3 weeks, purely because I didn’t want to think about the situation before going to Benidorm with the girls. I only managed to have one breakdown which led to me admitting to feeling very upset all of the time and admitting to randomly crying alone to Chloe. Not one of my best moments but I couldn’t handle phasing in and out of consciousness, being trapped in my thoughts then coming back to reality before slipping straight back. This annoyed me, and the lack of control annoyed the girls who had to look out for me before I tried to stand almost in front of a lorry as they reminded me the next day.
More bad news however, although I still can’t find it I me to fully forgive dad no matter how much I try to I know deep down its may never be the same from my side. So far its just been spur of the moments where it felt normal again but small things he does irritate me in ways I can’t describe. I can see this upsets him and I feel he makes me feel guilty about the way I feel then. This is where my own personal conflict is rooted.
Saturday morning, I got back from Benidorm everyone was surprised to see me as they didn’t understand I would be home before 8am. I just remember arriving at 4am I think it was and seeing my dad completely drunk and upset in a state which I’ve only seen when he remembers the death of his father. My only reaction was ‘what’s wrong?’, what’s happened?’ I couldn’t help but think my mother had had the courage to up and leave where I would soon follow. But this wasn’t the case, it was only until they sat me down together to break the news that dad had been told he had bowel cancer.
I had an amazing holiday I felt like the alcohol kept me going and I come home to be reassured by more depression and sense of self confinement.
They explained that the next step would either be chemo, a temporary bag or surgery. And that’s where they left it.
Eating a yogurt managed to keep me at ease and I could feel tears burning at the back of my eyes where I restrained myself from showing complete hurt from them both.
I needed to get out of the house and see one of the girls, Emily was busy so I just left it. Why be a burden when I can burden myself and my thoughts I always manage to find the time to do that so why not as soon as possible!
It become clear anytime I assess the full situation on my own I begin to panic. The last time I ended up on the floor trying to control my breathing which lasted a good 5 minutes was a complete failure and knew I couldn’t go back to those thoughts for a while. Which has left me here in a state of complete loneliness, crying for help and comfort from someone who doesn’t just want to sleep with me. Funny they only appear when I’m ‘flirty’, any time I feel like I’m actually being me they’re no where to be seen and I’m still stuck comforting myself on my own. Attempting to anyway.