Finally being honest with yourself .

There’s something about being human we all sometimes forget that being vulnerable or being hurt are things that are both ok to feel. I did this thing recently where I was holding onto feelings which made me angry and made me feel a lot of hurt just because I didn’t think it was right to confront them, just for timing sake and because yes I was really fucking scared to admit that maybe that’s how I felt.

I sometimes feel like I’m the worlds worst for admitting my real feelings or even recognising that someone else might have feelings for me but apparently when I do, I go all out which I find becomes embarrassing because instead of easing into it it’s like I’m just bursting in the end because I’ve been in denial for so long and because I’m not that subtle most people end up finding out, which because, BOOM, double embarrassing! Yay. 

So this thing happened recently that for the last couple of months I got confused feelings for someone I probably shouldn’t get them confused for. Apparently It was very obvious to everyone, which is no real shock because I’m not really good at being subtle, like now apparently. Initially to me it really wasn’t obvious and I never had any confused feelings in the beginning, however, I ended up admitting feelings which I have felt like I have been feeling for these couple of confused months only to find out it was all one sided. 

I can tell you now, it felt like shit at the time. Yeah It definitely hurt, especially given the circumstances around the situation which wouldn’t help anyone’s self confidence, for me I wouldn’t have expected it any easier unfortunately.  

It was like every other thing you could think of which makes you turn to yourself and think, how can I ‘apparently’ be everything they technically want but not what they want at all. How can someone show so much affection towards you but you still look at yourself and this small part of you questions, why are you not good enough? This whole thing of wanting someone is I think something everyone eventually wants and if I admit it now it’s something I have wanted deep down for a while because I fear being alone even though I’m so used to it by now that I’m completely fine If I am. 

I find it sometimes frustrating though because I know I have this tendency to attach myself to an idea which can only go away when something just clicks and I’m like oh I’m over that now.  The only problem is now I feel like I got over the idea maybe a bit too quickly, which definitely isn’t a bad thing, not at all, I already feel happier that I know where I stand (still not very tall) but none the less I’m still standing in general.

The situation made me feel like shit initially but I somehow quickly came to realise that I didn’t need or actually want what I thought I wanted and made a miraculous turn around in a day, just because I realised that I was true to myself and when it eventually came to it I didn’t deny how I felt and apparently just threw myself in the deep end over it all and instead of drowning I just remembered I could already swim. 

I’ve been wanting to write for this for weeks but I hit this mini wall where so much was going on I’ve had no idea what I wanted to focus on. Hopefully I’ll be a bit more productive in weeks to come, no pressure! 

Sammy x