I don’t think there will be a time where I can read this aloud to you without crying like an utter baby. When I admitted to you this year that my biggest regret in life was when I was about 13 or 14 years old, I was so ignorant and spiteful I will never forget the time I said you weren’t there for me when I was a child. I just want to mention that I’m not just sobbing writing this, I’m balling. Being so honest and admitting to things you completely regret, god i wish I never said this stuff, it’s so hard to admit that I was horrible because Mam. You’ve been so good to me, you are my best friend and I wish I had never made these words hurt you the way I remember them hurting you back then, I wish I could take it all back and have always appreciated your concern for me as much as I do now.
I want to tell you, you were there, I remember at my school eistenddfod, you came, and you wore that white turtle neck top I keep wearing now and I was a seren, and I remember seeing you in the crowd and crying while we were performing., you tried not to cry while I cried seeing you. It’s funny because backstage I remember being asked by my teachers why I cried, and I remember crying thinking I was so appreciative that you were there despite your work hours. Because I knew I couldn’t see you very often at the time because you were the one supporting us as a family to make up for our income. I think I said the other day, even as a small child I knew I was lucky to have the house we did and the holidays we did and the effort you both made to give me that, but I always remember the stress and the hours you both put in to support us. I remember your bupa uniform and the way you tied your hair with that brown clip you still have in your third draw, the physiotherapy, the long hours, dads overdrafts, the stress, the arguments. I will always work as best as I can to give you the life you both deserve. Together or individually.
Words can’t describe the love I have for you. I remember when I was younger how much you scarified to work and god how much I respect you for doing what you have done considering you only ever had one baby despite everything you have had to face. I respect you unbelievable and I will continue to ring you up crying with my constant issues and hear your wisdom which always proves completely right. You never fail to amaze me and I can only apologies again for my disgusting attitude over the last 10 years which you have dealt with almost so impressively.
Do you know, in that first year when I was 18, after everything I wanted to leave, but one of the main reason I felt so down was because I left you, and I felt I shouldn’t have. I was so concerned that I wanted to be with you, but I knew I couldn’t be in that house at that time, I needed to leave but I only thought of you, especially when I wasn’t completely numb or in an utter state of oblivion. My thoughts wore only ever of you.
The thing about coming home second year, I didn’t spend as much time with my friends, I can’t tell you how much this depression has made me hate and I mean despise the way I have treated and lashed out at you. I’ve hated the way I have felt about myself for so long I finally feel like myself again. Again you have understood and dealt with me like no human should have, I am literally blubbering, sobbing like no other, writing this because I should have never treated you over the years in the way I should have, being so angry at almost nothing. But just being so angry. The hardest thing for me this year has been moving out again, you know at this age I should be ready to start exploring and living, but all I want to do is spend it with you.
I don’t want to grow up yet, I don’t want to move to London because I want you to come with me. I want you to be apart of my business and I want you by my side and so close to me that people don’t know whether or not you’re my sister, friend or companion.
When I was on my holiday in Ibiza, I realised how much of an angry person I had become and how it had taken over my actual personality and for that I can only apologies because I know I lashed out at you the most and almost consistently when you have showed me only love and affection. I am an idiot and I regret it so much. I wish I was smarter and better towards you, I have never and I mean I have never met anyone as strong as you are. YOU ARE FUNOMINAL. Despite everything you went through in your childhood, your first love, this marriage, your health and through me, you have overcome boundaries beyond any of those known to any human.
I love you mam.
Love Sammy x