There’s been a lot of shit going on recently which I have and haven’t been dealing with very well. I can see my fuse has been getting shorter, but almost reluctantly. Writing has been helping me, but even this idea I’ve been trying to share about this safe space I am still struggling with myself. I’ve found myself writing so much recently but still unable to publish any of it, because it’s way to fresh and with that in mind it all still feels too personal; this barrier that some of you might agree, is just too high to jump over let alone to try and scale it.
And right now it’s just completely frustrating me, because the whole idea of this was to be able to write something and just post it so I could get rid of that feeling. But I can’t. I know some of the things I’ve written are going to be questioned or maybe even used against me which is not the purpose of this blog and with everything that’s going on at the moment I don’t think ill be able to cope in all honesty.
I’ve been scared because the one thing I’m working so hard to try and avoid is going back into this pit of darkness. I’ve been so withdrawn and trying to keep a focus because what I have learnt is by keeping some sort of focus I can avoid that hole I felt like I was in for 2 years. The worst bit of it, is that I can practically see it, that darkness just lingering, waiting for me to finally go back into an autopilot version of myself where I just let it consume me again. I suppose it’s just that time of year where lots of changes are going on and it becomes overwhelming and I’ve found myself having countless break downs, bursts of tears and panic attacks. Yay how exciting!
I do wonder if shit like this is normal, I guess it is because humans have feelings but I know I’m not really good at dealing with mine. I hate crying in front of people because it makes me feel weak and powerless? I know there’s nothing wrong with crying in front of people, but I’ve never wanted to actually show people I’m not really doing ok. It’s one of the reasons I’m probably described as ‘angry’ not because I’m angry with anyone else, just mainly myself because I can’t process what I’m feeling which becomes a constant process of overthinking and I end up responding by being snappy and a little too aggressive. Which again as you can imagine becomes frustrating.
I know that wanting to be happy is desired but being in a place where you don’t always feel great ALL the time is also ok. I’m trying to understand that I wont always feel like myself, especially with things worrying me and problems arising, but it’s trying to learn to deal with that new stress and finding ways that help you. I mentioned I used to drink to cope with the majority of my pain, where as now I try to write, keep myself busy by going to the gym and probably most recently become more career driven. I’ve gotten to the point where I enjoy going out and having one or two drinks but I hate where I have no control and I wake up having forgotten how I’ve got home, etc. I guess I want to start achieving things where as before I wanted to be numbed by alcohol.
The idea is when uni starts back all of this will calm down hopefully and I’ll be having less time to overthink things and have more focuses. And to that all I can say is, maximum effort.