It’s on a day like to today where you have to sit back and remind yourself of how far you’ve really come. Really fucking far let me tell you!
Four years ago I lost myself, quite literally I was so drunk I never knew what had happened, where i’d gone or who i’d seen. I went into a dark abyss within myself until my friends and family could no longer get through to me and it’s weird now that i’m out of it it’s like I can’t remember how it really felt just that it was bleak, heavy and just so exhausting.
I was in denial for most of it; I did what I did then to regain control and I was abusing my body pumping alcohol into me until I could feel nothing for the rest of the day.
I feel like a broken record, I repeat this a lot sometime without trying because even now it plays on my mind every day, like I want to try and escape my past because I am embarrassed by it. Like a scar that I can’t get rid of and that’s what it’s like for most people with mental health a constant battle to change how you feel. I can’t change how I got the scar but I can accept it and love those mistakes and that’s why today is so important. I need that reminder to love myself, because hopefully it will make up for all the times I’ve told myself how much I’ve hated myself.
I know I didn’t want to be alive, even though I had so much hope. It was my harsh reality and I didn’t cope with it, my body was awake while I thought I could sleep the thoughts and feelings away. Even though I’ve come far away from that I still feel like I’m harsh on my body and my mind. My insecurities get the brunt of it and I loose that peace and confidence which can come so easily to others; but then that’s also a lie.
Somedays I am stuck in my own groundhog day, feeling crazy. Talking to myself and replaying scenarios that don’t exist in a hope to control what could come to happen, replaying scenarios, the ones I can’t change, can’t relive or repeat only remember. A groundhog day of fear and insanity still numb but this time without the alcohol.
I’ve been writing in a little book for about three years now and I can honestly say re reading my first entries always makes me wonder how I ever got here. Why and how I ever got up and out of bed, how I made it out of the hole I started to bury myself in until I was a body in a ditch. So I wrote this at the end of my log yesterday because despite how much I’d love to change my mistakes made in the past I know I can’t. Here’s how my little treat went!
“Think positive, bo positive. Attract who you want to attract mentally and just remember to love yourself more. You will make it, you can literally do anything, you are a rare person; give your heart, your mind, your perseption and your ability the love it deserves. Keep your head up, I love you”.
So today, tell yourself how much you love yourself because I know I don’t do it enough and you probably don’t either. Give yourself time and you will be able to see how far you’ve come from the hell hole that is your mind, it doesn’t matter how many times you try to escape it, its the only place you should be making peace with. You’ve got this and maybe today hasn’t been a good day but remember that tomorrow is another day and another battle but it will get easier.
Love Sammy x